What is a “normal” sex drive after having a baby? 

There is no normal, but there is common. Commonly couples are told not to have penetrative sex until at least 6 weeks. It’s good to have a bare minimum, because that means no one should be requesting it for a while. Your body actually needs to heal, any wounds need to get better - and breasts are often really tender and sore for a few weeks as breastfeeding is being established (if that’s your plan). So it’s just not a good idea to physically have much intimacy. After 6 weeks couples sometimes feel up for some intimacy, but not very many. Most couples don’t have sex at 6 weeks, my observations is that couples might start trying around 8 weeks but commonly don’t have penetrative sex until about 3 months postpartum. Intimacy will likely be very sporadic, based on how your baby is sleeping, how you are coping, and where your body is at week to week, for e.g. if you struggle with mastitis. This is a good season to talk about masturbation if you haven’t before and if that is an ok strategy for one partner to meet their own sexual needs. If masturbation isn’t ok in your relationship then intimacy doesn’t need to include penetrative sex every time, if you are in a heterosexual relationship. Intimacy could be a quick handjob in the shower, or oral sex, or it could be a partner masturbating while you are there so it feels more connected. What’s happening with your sex drive is that after you have a baby the female body is kind of shutting the libido down, by reducing oestrogen which is the female sex hormone. It’s decreasing libido in the hopes of protecting itself from getting pregnant again. 

Think of it like an evolutionary hangover, we didn’t used to have contraception so the body took control by depressing libido. Now of course this is a generalisation, not the case for every woman, but it is by far the most common response. My observation of women is that it takes about 2 years to regain libido, and potentially that’s when someone gets pregnant or has another baby - so it can be a long season of decreased libido. The key thing is talk ALOT, be clear about what’s going on for you, and partners please don’t perceive a lack of libido as a rejection of you or that it’s because of a lack of attraction - I can almost guarantee that’s not the case at all, and its just a physiological response to having a baby. These conversations of course have to be incredibly respectful and kind, with no accusations and alot of empathy. 

What do we do about low libido? 

Hopefully with some of the this information you’ve been able to reflect on what may be happening in your relationship, which may give you an indicator of what to act on. Communication is essential in mismatched libido.

Questions to ask each other: 

• How do you feel about our sex life recently? 
• What would you like it to look like (if different)? 
• What could I do to make you feel more loved and desired? 
• When we are intimate what do you value most? 
• Which part of our intimacy is the most pleasurable for you? 

These can feel scary to ask, because maybe they or you will have to say something challenging, that for some feels like rejection. Remember this quote “sometimes the most important conversations are the ones most difficult to engage in”. 

An app that is helpful for couples to explore what’s going on in their sex life is Card Decks by the Gottman Institute. This offers lots of question prompts, can be done over a date night, and can feel safer than bringing up your own questions. If you or your partner are struggling with libido, I recommend showing them the section to the left about how libido is impacted postpartum. If only you understand the influences on libido postpartum, it can become a point of conflict in the relationship, or even build resentment long term. 

And finally, if you are a heterosexual couple wanting to rebuild some desire in your relationship and get to some more pleasurable intimacy, then (as shocking as it may sound) stop having intercourse. Go back to the basics, give each other massages, have showers together, kiss for at least 6 seconds everyday. Those basics are the building blocks of desire, and also when we put a boundary in place like ‘no intercourse’ it can bring creativity and excitement to the relationship. I recommend pushing pause on intercourse for at least 2 months and dedicating at least one night a week to “play”. 

How to stay intimate when we are so tired all of the time? 

Intimacy when tired is really tough, I want to validate that if you are finding that hard you are completely normal and there is nothing wrong with you. One temporary idea is to make intimacy shorter, or it might be less frequent but more quality. Couples who are particularly exhausted and struggling tend to choose quantity OR quality in this season. Quantity is having shorter sex, using hands or oral to get things moving along, embrace a vibrator to build arousal sooner. OR prioritising quality, which is intimacy less frequently but ensuring there’s good connection and pleasure in the time. Both approaches are totally fine. What I would add about using vibrators – is that a partner cannot replicate a vibrator so using it every single time, whilst totally understandable might not be best for long term pleasure. It can also make intimacy really outcomes orientated – that it’s just about orgasms. Lots of you will be thinking – well isn’t it? And I would like to suggest that no, it’s not all about orgasms. It’s about connection, that’s the priority. So it’s fair to say I’m a big fan of people ensuring quality is front of mind. 

Important to know: 

If you are someone who has experienced sexual trauma there are three common times where you are more likely to be triggered back into that, have dreams about it, spontaneously start wanting to process it. 1. When you next become sexually active, 2. When you have a baby, 3. When your child is the age you were when you experienced trauma. Many pregnant women have come to me over the years saying that they don’t understand why suddenly they are reliving some historical sexual experiences. When you are having a baby – you are becoming a caretaker, you are growing into a protective version of yourself. It makes sense that your trauma is coming to the fore, and if you’ve never met and talked with someone about it, this may be the time to do so.