The other parent

Getting ready for your baby means getting ready for more than just the birth. The following sounds a bit like a do and don’t list-please just bear with us!

Money

Everyone underestimates the costs of babies, and the extras (like clothes for a mum who can’t fit into her old wardrobe) so:

• if you can, build up your ‘baby fund’ before the birth
• find out about welfare benefits available to your family http://www.workingforfamilies.govt.nz/
• it is best not to over extend your finances (rent/mortgage/loans)
• discuss with your partner and employer your wishes regarding parental leave
• don’t be pressured into buying everything new (as long as it’s safe), your baby won’t notice a new cot but she will notice if you’re working so hard to pay everything off, that you’re never at home.

Your Rights

If you are not living with the mother of your child you may have to pay child support, however much or little you see your child.  Don’t bury your head in the sand about this: you will still have to pay and you will have built up a crippling backlog – seek advice from a professional body and get to know your rights.

www.fathersrights.org.nz

Your local IRD child support service can advise you on options.

Equipment

Some parents don’t get around to buying things or getting the baby’s room ready until after the birth. This is a not really a good idea.

Exhausted and pressured afterwards, you’ll be rushed into ‘bad buys’ or deep in DIY when you want to be getting to know your baby.

Your unborn baby’s health

Most mums-to-be are pretty well informed – but the average dad still isn’t. This wrong-foot’s men: if we don’t know what’s going on we can’t be well prepared and confident. If we’re not confident, we can be sidelined. The solution is to take the initiative.

You can:

• keep talking with your partner about how you are both feeling.
• discuss how you will handle the baby’s arrival together.
• talk about what you both may be losing and gaining, remember, this is a huge change for you both.
• take time for special things that will be impossible after the birth.
• go with your partner to antenatal appointments so you can be actively involved in the pregnancy.
• hear your baby’s heartbeat, and see him move on the ultrasound monitor.
• ask for the appointments to be at times you can make.
• ask your LMC/midwife about antenatal classes, and if they’re held at times you can’t manage, ask for the times to be changed; you’ll be doing other fathers (and mothers) a favour too.

If anyone involved in the pregnancy or birth ignores or excludes you, you can remind them that when fathers are well informed, mothers typically have shorter labours and need less pain relief; successful breastfeeding is more likely and postnatal depression less likely. If your partner wants to talk with a health professional alone, support this and ask for time alone to talk too. This can be a chance to ask questions you think might worry your partner.

Search out other people to speak with: men usually chat through life-events with their partner, but because they may not want to worry her during pregnancy, many end up not talking to anyone.

Discuss with your partner how involved you both want relatives and friends to be after the birth. If they help out with domestic chores, this can relieve some pressure and free you up to spend time with your baby – but don’t let them ‘take over’ more than either of you want.

Being ‘in the know’:

Most pregnancy books are not easy for fathers to read, because:

• they focus almost totally on mothers
• they tend to patronise fathers
• they contain so much information you don’t know where to start.

You’re right: it’s not possible to take everything in at once. So keep dipping into topics just ahead of what’s happening in the pregnancy. Learn the terminology it helps you know what is happening! We recommend the following father-friendly material:

Bountiful – Your Pregnancy Guide
https://www.kidzneeddadz.org.nz/

You will know a lot about the birth if you go to antenatal classes. But if you miss them, here is a quick guide. It won’t contain everything you need to know – but it will be a good start.

The Plan

Write down everything you and your partner have decided you want for the birth. Hospitals and midwives offer ‘birth plans’, which you can fill out together and then give to the midwife to help everyone know how you want things to be. Birth plans usually help you feel more confident about your role during labour – and of course they can be varied ‘on the night’ if you or your partner change your mind. They can specify, for example, whether you are planning for a home birth, how long you want to stay around in the hospital after the birth, how much of a caesarian you want to see, or whether you’d like to cut the umbilical cord (which goes from the baby’s umbilicus to the placenta, which has fed her in the uterus). These days, many fathers cut the cord, and also help in the birth itself.

When Baby’s on the way

You should know that baby is on her way when:

• slow regular, contractions get steadily stronger, or
• a pinkish ‘plug’ of mucus that seals the womb comes away; or
• her ‘waters’ break

If the waters have broken, don’t rush into hospital: it may well be ages yet before she gives birth. What you should do is contact your midwife or hospital delivery suite who will advise you on when to go into hospital.

If the waters haven’t broken, there’d no need to contact your midwife until contractions are coming ten minutes apart.

Sometimes, if contractions slow down or the waters don’t break, the experts may suggest kick-starting (‘inducing’) the birth-process with a hormone or by ‘breaking the waters’ artificially. If this is suggested, you both need to be fully informed, so you can decide what to do: it can be necessary for your baby’s well-being. However, it can lead to a more painful labour and more medical intervention.

Pain Relief

Childbirth can be really painful. Whatever your attitude to ‘natural’ childbirth, it will be helpful to find out about and try out breathing, massage and relaxation, and to consider using hot baths and water-pools. You should also find out about other available sources of pain relief. The main options are:

• TENS machines (which may need to be hired in advance): these send tiny electrical currents to interrupt the pain messages to the brain
• ENTONOX a mixture of laughing gas and oxygen
• PETHIDINE a drug related to morphine
• An EPIDURAL a spinal anaesthetic

It will help your partner if you understand what she wants, so you can speak for her if she has difficulties. She needs you there along with lots of encouragement. Make sure you’re clued up on other medical terms such as caesarean (when the baby needs to be lifted out through an incision in the abdomen). This can be an emergency or may be suggested in advance if, for instance, your baby is in a breech position (ready to come out bottom, or feet first). Most babies are born without complications in the end, but sometimes it’s a struggle and can leave you feeling shocked. You should find out more about what could happen, and what equipment such as forceps (giant tweezers to pull the baby out) and ventouse (a big plunger for the same purpose) are for, and what they look like.

Once your baby is born

Checks will be made, the cord will be cut and she’ll be placed on your partner’s body. It’s an overwhelming moment and you may well find yourself crying. Your baby will be covered in blood and birth fluids and may look battered, with pressure marks on head or body. But remember, babies are tough! Many enjoy suckling right away and once recovered, will be bright and alert for an hour or so.

Give yourself time. This is a precious moment for you, your partner and your child. Talk to your baby: she knows your voice already. When it feels right, hold her: your partner may well welcome a break!

Don’t just take pictures – be in them. Later, your child will love being told (and shown) what mum and dad did just after she was born. Later, ring relatives and friends. Don’t let others do it unless you want them to. It’s a parent’s privilege.

What next

If the birth is in a hospital, they may try to send you home. However, in some maternity units, there may be overnight facilities for dads. Some hospitals might let you sleep there besides mother and baby, in a chair or on a fold-down bed. Staying overnight requires gentle diplomacy, pre-planning and determination. Not every father wants (or is able) to stay, and others will have older children to look after at home. But first-time dads in particular often find that while they are at home, they miss all the important learning their partner is doing.

If, after all efforts, you have to leave, come back as often as possible. Many hospitals will bend the rules about visiting hours for fathers. Likewise, when you get home, keep on the front line. The first few days are for you your baby and your partner. Don’t delay taking paternity leave at this important time, and think about taking further unpaid leave (if you can afford it!). Being there, ‘hands-on’ right from the start makes a real difference.

So those are the basics. Now the checklist for the BIG day:

• Practice travelling the route to hospital at different times of the day so you feel confident and really know how long it takes. This is worth doing even if you plan a home birth.
• Make arrangements for other children to be looked after, so you don’t need to rush back to collect them too soon. It’s a good idea to buy them little presents from the new baby.
• Make sure your phone is fully charged at all times! Remember not to use it inside the hospital though, as it can affect their equipment.
• Get plenty of rest in the days leading up to the birth; you’ll be exhausted afterwards
• Pre-pack a bag with magazines, snacks, drinks, cards, camera, small change for vending machines, water spray to keep your partner cool.
• If you’re both planning a home birth, think about how you want the birth-room to be set up (lighting, music, etc), but have a bag packed just in case.
• Wear loose, cool clothes. Birthing suites are hot.
• If possible, make sure you both eat energy giving foods (e.g. pasta) before labour really gets going. Your partner will probably not eat much for ages and you may forget or not get a chance.

Most  Dads want to be ‘hands-on’ – right from the beginning, and they report a degree of confidence and enjoyment as parents which their own fathers never imagined.

Becoming ‘hands-on’ means challenging the ‘only mums matter’ culture by persisting if:

• professionals/ grandparents etc act as if baby care is none of your business.
• public baby-changing facilities are only in women’s toilets.
• you feel helpless or unsure about your role when a breastfed baby focuses mainly on their mother. Remember you can still wind/settle/change/bath them, and – when breastfeeding is well established – you can feed them expressed breastmilk. And the chance to feed solids is just 6 months away.
• you feel clumsy if, through more opportunity, your partner becomes skilled more quickly.
• your inner-voice tells you ‘you’ll never be any good at this’ or ‘mothers do this better’.
• your partner’s inner-voice encourages her that she ought to be ‘Top Parent’.

In fact, the whole idea of Top Parent (or ‘primary carer’) is a nonsense: babies gain from having more than one close carer; so as one of their two parents, you’ve a crucial role. In fact, a full-time working father who devotes the rest of his time to his child (getting them up in the morning, bathing them in the evening and putting them to bed) can become as much a ‘top parent’ as a full-time at-home mother.

Breastfeeding is best for your baby.

If your partner wants to breastfeed, support her. Difficulties often crop up early when confidence is low and, if you’re supportive and knowledgeable, you can make all the difference. So make sure the professionals explain things to you too and read up about possible problems. It might take you (and your partner) time to get used to the idea – but don’t worry, this is natural. But many fathers find the sight of their baby feeding from its mother an intensely moving experience. Some mothers and fathers are a bit uneasy about breastfeeding in public, but don’t let that stop your partner breastfeeding. It’s so good for babies. Breastfed babies develop stronger defences against infection and research suggests they have better learning abilities too.

Father care is good for babies – and for father

• babies with involved fathers typically smile more, develop faster and do better as they grow up.
• if their mother is depressed or finding it hard to cope, a strong positive relationship with their father can be a help.
• as teenagers, they’re less likely to have problems.
• depression in new fathers often lifts when they take more (not less) responsibility for their newborn babies – particularly if they’re given space to learn through their own mistakes.
• fathers who have a good relationship with their children often do better in their jobs than less involved fathers.

Almost all fathers say they want to ‘be there’ for their children, and often think this means waiting to be approached. In fact, ‘being there’ means deciding to do all kinds of little things for, and with, a child, so he feels you are ‘there’, and is willing to approach you. So start as you mean to go on – be there for baby.

Tips from other fathers:

• baby care isn’t a chore – it’s also an opportunity.
• big hands can help babies feel secure.
• the more you do, the more rewarding and natural it feels.
• the more you’re in charge(at home alone, or out with another father or a friend) the more confident you become.
• change their nappy often, and let them kick their legs in between – this can be an enjoyable time together.
• regularly settle them to sleep: since you are less likely to smell of milk than your partner, they may settle more easily.
• put them to sleep on her back, not on their front.
• as often as you can, be the one to go to them when she wakes.
• take her walking in a front pack, they'll love the movement
• when you go out in the car, don’t always drive, but go in the back seat with your baby: this can be a chance to be with them.
• read up about postnatal depression, baby illness, feeding and sleeping: you’ll be able to tell when expert help is needed.
• don’t smoke near your baby.
• don’t suffer in silence if you are feeling low or unconfident – talk about it, and ask for support from family and friends. If things get on top of you and you can’t see a way out seek some professional advice.

One of the best ways you can take care of your baby is to take care of your relationship with your partner. The potential spin-offs are fantastic

On the whole, relaxed couples end up with better-adjusted children, and with easier babies. And if your baby is challenging or difficult in the early months, you’ll cope much better if you have a strong relationship.

When a couple’s relationship is honest and strong, having a baby often brings them closer together. When the partnership is shaky special steps need to be taken, or the baby may drive them apart. If you’ve split up, don’t give up. Your baby needs a close and positive relationship with both you and her mother, and you’ll need to work together to make this a reality. Most of our suggestions below for making relationships work apply equally to separated couples too.

Taking care of your relationship means:

• Before the birth, take time together to think about the massive changes to come. Deal with issues such as feeling you’ve been ‘rushed into’ becoming a dad, or you don’t think you’ll make a good father. Certainly what’s done is done, but if you need to protest or talk it through, now’s your chance. Strong feelings of anger or fear show how seriously you are taking all this.

If becoming a father seems unappealing – take a close look at why and maybe call one of the anonymous helplines available if you can’t talk it through with your partner.

• After the birth, make sure both partners feel the division of day to day chores is fair and keep reviewing this; expectations may change as reality hits you both.
• Spend time together – as a couple, and as a ‘family’.
• Give each other real breaks (for example, letting the other regularly ‘sleep in’ or go out).
• Listen to a partner who behaves resentfully or angrily.
• Say how you feel in a non-blaming way.
• Don’t respond ‘tit for tat’ to hurtful comments, or withdraw; negotiate and compromise.
• When problems carry on, ask your GP about counselling.

Since successful couple relationships are those that manage change, you don’t want to get out of step with each other. The more caring for your baby becomes a team effort, the more each of you is likely to adjust to parenthood at the same rate, and the less potential there is for conflict. Try not to live in separate worlds – sharing the baby care will help you feel ‘in touch’ with each other. However, since it’s normal for mothers to be ‘Top Parents’, some may feel displaced and angry if you try to be involved. These feelings must be expressed and negotiated. Help your partner to find other ways of feeling successful and valued.

Sex can be another big issue, here are some facts:

• For a while, your partner may be reluctant to have penetrative sex or even sex of any kind. This doesn’t mean you now revolt her. Childbirth can be a very painful experience, and her physical discomfort could last for several weeks, if not months.
• Low sex desire after birth probably has less to do with hormones than with exhaustion – so don’t worry if you experience it too.
• Low sexual desire often results from suppressed anger; when a person – man or woman – holds on to angry feelings, they often lose touch with sexual feelings.
• Low sexual desire can also result from feeling unattractive – and lots of new mothers feel fat and unattractive. Depression, too, can lead to low sexual desire.

Although some couples have good, or even great sex throughout the pregnancy, others lose interest or lead separate sex lives. And since our society tells us that ‘real’ men have sex all the time, new fathers can feel threatened if they’re not getting any, and even worse if they don’t want any (and many fathers do go off sex).

Even when one of you doesn’t want sex together, you both still need intimacy. Keep cuddling and kissing and having good chats, without this having to lead to sex. Sex, when it does happen, can be a bonus.

Tips from other fathers:

• During your working hours, keep in contact with your partner, and get home when you say you will; she may well be counting the minutes.
• Remember, the father with the best sex lives are often the men whose partners get a lot of sleep.
• Although your partner may not want sex, she may welcome a cuddle. Recognise the difference between the two.

They’re not for me are they? I mean – it’s the most natural thing in the world, giving birth and looking after a baby. And anyway, it’s just for girls and she’ll know all about whatever it is.

 Top Reasons For Going To Antenatal Classes…

Your dad didn’t – Long gone are the days when you were introduced to your old man with a firm handshake at around the age of three, maybe with the result that you’re still a bit, you know, manly around one another. Aka, awkward. Things have changed and we want to be involved with our kids. Start as you mean to go on. Find out what’s going on.

She wants you to – Also long gone are the days when pregnant women went into a mysterious giggly huddle with each other for nine months, kept it all to themselves and came home from the hospital with something that looked suspiciously like a baby. Most women are going to want you to be involved all the way through. That means from the point of maximum fun right through to the day months later when you get to see how clever you were.

The more you know, the better at it you are – Right, so playing football at a professional level is a matter of instinct? And training is completely pointless? And so is reading the workshop manual before stripping down the gearbox? You try it.

6 out of 10 expectant dads do it – It’s not strange behaviour, it’s not bizarre, no-one’s going to give you odd looks. On the contrary, you’ll meet lots of men in the same boat who might become friends for life. After all, you’re going to have kids of the same age.

Ok, ok. What goes on? – Think of it like a car maintenance class. It’s a pregnant lady maintenance class. That’s it. It’s not all sitting cross-legged on the floor playing breathing games and humming. There’s lots of solid practical stuff as well. Here’s what they cover.

Health – She has to stay healthy, eat properly, exercise, give up smoking and alcohol. Carrying a baby and giving birth puts a huge strain on her body and the better shape it’s in, the easier it will be for her. And it’s easier for her if you’re cutting helping her eat properly and exercise. After all, baby is going to make demands on your stamina as well.

What’s happening during the birth itself – If you’re going to be there, it’s best if you’re not standing around like a spare part. If you understand what’s actually happening, it will be so much better for both of you and you’ll feel a lot better about it.

Pain relief – There’s a whole chemist shop’s worth of pain relief available. They teach you what the different types are good for, when to have them, when not to, what the effects are, and so on. When push comes to shove (literally) she’s not going to be thinking particularly clearly. Really useful if you know what the options are and you’ve talked together about what she wants and what she doesn’t want.

The birth and how you can help – There’s lots of evidence that a woman in labour gets through it more easily if her partner is there. You’ll learn about what you can do, how you can help her relax and how to work with the hospital staff to her advantage.

Breastfeeding – Again, if you understand what breastfeeding is all about and how it works, you’ll be in a much better position to help with any difficulties during the first weeks.

Baby blues – Some women get a bit down after birth. It’s a very emotional time plus their bodies are raging with all sorts of hormones they’re not used to. It’s a time when she’s going to need you to understand.

Baby’s home. What now? – The early weeks can be really exciting and really scary all at the same time. There’s a completely helpless little person to be taken care of and if she has to cope with this on her own, it’s going to be much harder for her than it needs to be.

Top tips for surviving antenatal classes

• Make sure you ask lots of questions: You don’t want people to think you’re not listening.
• Be friendly: look – all the other men there are going to be feeling a bit awkward too. You can sympathise with each other.
• Be courteous to other people in the room, everyone is there to learn and everyone does that differently.

While physical and hormonal changes will constantly remind her she’s about to become a mum, you can pretty much carry on as usual. Antenatal appointments are one part of the pregnancy you can really take part in, and for many dads-to-be it can be the moment it all becomes very, very real.

Antenatal – posh for ‘before birth’

You want everything to be ok with your precious new cargo don’t you? Antenatal appointments are all about making sure that everything is ok and stays that way.

The first visit

And, yes, it is important for you to go. You’ll meet your midwife – the second most important person in your universe for the next nine months, more important even than the mother-in-law.

The midwife will do some basic tests, fix up your visits right through the pregnancy and check things like Baby’s growth, heartrate and mum’s wellbeing, blood type and blood pressure. Baby might only be the size of a golf ball – but there’s a beating heart and if you behave yourself, the midwife will let you hear it.

Lots more visits

Antenatal care is all about checking progress regularly and spotting any problems as early as possible – so keeping the appointments is important. There are lots of different tests they can do so it can also be confusing. What to expect?

Two types of test

Basically, they can test to see if there might be a problem (a screening test) and if they spot something they can test to find out for certain (a diagnostic test). There are two key types of test – scans and blood tests.

Ultrasound scan

You’ve seen it on dozens of TV shows – it’s where a radiographer runs a handheld scanner over the abdomen, you get a jumpy image of the baby inside the womb and it’s hard to make anything out until they point out which end is which.

It’s really useful. To the trained eye, a scan can show all sorts of detail about what’s going on. For the two of you, it’s a way to set your minds at rest at a time when you might be anxious.

You’ll be offered a scan about the time of your first antenatal that will give a pretty accurate estimate of how far the pregnancy has gone, when your baby’s due and – sit down for this one – whether it’s twins. Or more! It happens.

Meet Baby

Around weeks 18 to 20, Baby’s roughly six inches long and it’s time for another scan!

This one is brilliant. You get to see your offspring for the first time and you can usually take home a photo if you want. Your mates are sure to be thrilled. And the immediate family will go into excitement overdrive at how clever you are. But this scan is about more than just Baby’s first photo, it will also include important checks for anything unusual or potential problems. As excited as you may both be about seeing Baby for the first time, Mum may also be quite anxious so be sure to rein it in until you get the all clear that everything is going according to plan.

Football or netball?

At this stage of Baby’s development it’s possible to tell the sex. So – before you go for the scan make sure you’ve both decided whether you want to know – and if you don’t want to know tell the radiographer, so she doesn’t blurt it out by mistake. (“Will you look at that. It’s obviously a boy.”)

What’s that then?

Make sure you ask the radiographer to explain what she can see. If you’re worried about anything you can see, now’s the time to ask about it.

Bloody tests

No-one actually likes needles and blood tests and that sort of thing. But a blood test can help show up problems, like anaemia, infection or antibodies that may cause problems. Blood tests are essential – so be brave, go with her, hold her hand and don’t faint.

Other tests

There are quite a few different tests that your midwife can carry out if she thinks there might be something to be checked out. If she does want to do a particular test, it’s natural to feel a bit nervous – what’s this all about? But she has a good reason, so go with it and agree. If there is something wrong, the sooner she knows the better.

A woman expecting her first baby has entered a whole new world. There’s a lot to take in, her hormones are going crazy, she’s tired, irritable, sick, her body is changing and a demanding little person is growing inside her. And in a few months that person’s coming out to say hi, one way or the other. It’s no wonder it can be a little scary. So you’re going to need to help her every step of the way.

Here are some of our tips:

First trimester

This is where the going starts to get tough for her and she’s going to need you. Hormones may make her moody, she might have bad morning sickness and she’s going to feel tired, so try a little harder. Make sure she gets lots of rest, help with the housework a bit more than usual and breakfast in bed is a points winner every time.

Second trimester

Things have settled down, she’s hopefully stopped being sick and her hormones are more balanced. In fact you think she looks fantastic. So tell her! This is the time to do lots of stuff together preparing for the baby. Go to the antenatal classes with her, read some of the books and do manly things like researching buggies, car seats and cots. And start decorating the nursery. There might be some scans to go to, so make sure you take time off work to go with her. Even if she says she’ll go on her own, don’t take no for an answer – she’ll thank you for it. Besides, you’ll want to see baby on the screen too.

Third trimester

By the end of the pregnancy she might be sore, tired, feeling huge and just wanting it to be over. Make sure you’re keeping on top of the practical things but also keep telling her you’re there every step of the way. Pamper her a bit – make the dinner and run her a bath and get all your preparations for the big day done and dusted.

It’s time!

Anywhere from 38 weeks she could go into labour, so you’re going to have to say no to that work trip to Barbados and stay off the booze in case you suddenly have to drive to the hospital. Be at the end of the phone when you’re away from her at work and get everything ready at home. She’s probably getting nervous about the fact that a baby is going to come out shortly, so be reassuring. Have a think about how you’d feel if you were about to give birth. Got that image in your head? Right, now go and be thankful and give her a cuddle.

The arrival of a baby brings many changes to a family, each person will have their own feelings and reactions to the baby. Talking about these feelings can bring the family closer together. As with any time of major change there are stresses involved and it is important that you allow time to adjust to your new family roles.

Becoming a Father

Becoming a dad is an amazing, life changing, and, let’s face it, a physically and emotionally demanding event, from day one.

• Having children is one of the most exciting and positive things you can do with your life and you want to enjoy it.
• Be prepared to be pushed to the limit, from the first few crazy days and sleepless nights with your newborn.
• Start with as much sleep as you can get, whenever you can manage it– even catnaps can pep you up.
• Your partner is going through emotional changes, just as you are.  The demands of a new baby may put your relationship under stress. Where you used to be able to talk, now you might both be too tired after broken nights sleep. Things will calm down and you will find time for each other again.
• Children value having a good relationship with their dad, whether they live with him or not.
• Try to spend quality time with your baby, playing with him, talking to him, changing his nappy. Making time to spend with your baby will help develop a special relationship with him and enable you to be there for him.
• Sometimes it may seem like baby’s mum knows a lot or has become very busy with baby and you might feel left out. Try to get involved too, and talk about your feelings with her.
• It is important to understand that this is a vulnerable time and baby’s mother needs care and to feel valued as an equal.

Financial problems

If you are having budgeting problems your local Citizens Advice Bureau may be able to help you find a budgeting service or Inland Revenue for benefit entitlements 0800 227 773.  For more information ww.familybudgeting.org.nz.

Time for each other

Broken sleep and the demands of parenting can put a strain on your relationship. It is important to talk about concerns and problems.  At times you may have differing opinions and ideas on parenting; these may have come from your own childhoods. Discussing your feelings and ideas may help.

There may be times when you will want a change of scene and even to get away from your own baby for a few hours.  It can help to occasionally have some time for yourself and for you and your partner to be together, leaving your baby with a trusted adult (or teenager over 14 years old).

The Arrival of a Sibling

Coping with a new baby and a toddler or older child can be very demanding. For a toddler accustomed to undivided attention, discovering how much time must be devoted to a small baby’s needs can be an unpleasant shock. It is quite common for an older child to regress temporarily to an earlier stage, in an attempt to regain attention. This situation calls for patience, love and as much time as you can manage.

It might help if you

• give him or her a present from the baby to make them feel special.
• teach your toddler how to cuddle, touch and talk to the baby while you watch them.
• talk with them about how they are feeling and telling them you love them and how special they are.
• ask friends and family to give your older child some special time, particularly if she is feeling everyone is interested in the baby.
• ask friends to look after the baby so that you can spend time with your older child.
• try to include your older child in the baby’s care. They will enjoy fetching nappies and toys for the baby.
• have books or games ready for your older child when you are feeding the baby. They may enjoy hearing a story or playing quietly next to you.

If you are tired after a wakeful night with the baby, facing a busy toddler in the morning can be hard.  Remember you are not superhuman.  Sometimes, the baby or toddler has to wait.

• sleep when baby sleeps
• don’t answer your phone
• leave a message on the answer phone saying you’ll call back later
• ask visitors to help, they usually want to be involved.  Get them to wash up, vacuum, make the bed, hang out clothes, go to the shop.  Stick list of chores to be done on the fridge.
• try not to use baby’s sleep time to rush around tiding the house
• try to do some exercise, probably the last thing you feel like, but some fresh air and a brisk walk will make you feel good

It’s only for a short time!

Twins or more

Approximately 845 sets of twins and 10 sets of triplets are born annually in New Zealand. Quads and quins are rare.

The New Zealand Multiple Birth Association (NZMBA) provides support, clubs information and advice. Phone: 0800 489 467.